This is my story. It's just a story.
I can talk to you about it from memory and yet it is only an interpretation in the rearview mirror which cannot actually be true. Truth has no words, no name, no form, neither place nor time in which it exists. If you still want my story, here it is.
A name, a beginning
Sabina is the name I was given. I have always enjoyed the sound of it. Ultimately, however, it is only a useful concept that makes communication easier. That which writes these words cannot be found in the name. My journey began with tendencies of the unconscious, the oneness, and the energy threads.
Childhood: The world as pulsating light
As a child, I saw the invisible realms of nature, communicated with plants and trees and was full of joy. Curled up under the Christmas tree, I looked up into the sea of lights which totally absorbed me. There was only light melting me into a nectar of love, boundless like the universe. I felt life pulsating in the stones in my hand, in the starry sky above me and I felt the shadow in the people around me. Then there was oblivion.
Loss, search and first practice.
I was 14 when my great-grandfather died to whom I felt so close, like kindred souls. The loss was so painful that I was finished with God and everything else. The threads were forgotten. At 20, I became a seeker, buried myself in New Age books, practiced Kriya Yoga and half-heartedly began to meditate. A few years later, I trained as an energetic therapist, learned how to lay on hands, dissolve energy blockages, read chakras and perform aura surgery. Thread opened and brought my life onto a new trajectory.
Community, letting go, darkness
After 15 years in an invasive community, I realized that I would never be truly free there. It was a devastating realization, so I let go – of everything. One by one, the pillars of my life gave way. Almost all family members died within a few years. I lost my spiritual faith that had been the center of my whole life. My secure existence and my partnership were seriously threatened. The shadows in me surfaced. I sent all teachers, spiritual guides and angels packing and lived thru a dark night of the soul. After three years of deep despair, I was released from the darkness.
Suddenly everything was different.
In 2012 nothing was the same anymore: infinite boundless awareness. Physical boundaries disappeared, learning happened directly from the self-aware space. I had experienced an intense and life-changing awakening along all four threads, which I was not aware of because I lacked a frame of reference and a map. The search for liberation continued with determination.
In 2016 we moved to the Allgäu region. Buddhist friends helped me understand that the rollercoaster years were part of an awakening process. In 2018, the emptiness thread came to the fore with full force. The “I” was nowhere to be found, the duality of subject and object collapsed. Everything was easy, simple—and for the first time, I experienced hearty laughter.
Boundless love—and the end of the sense of being
After five decades of estrangement, my mother in her process of suffering and dying became the greatest love of my life. With her, I experienced a depth of compassion and devotion that will forever remain beyond words. A sacred experience of perfect fused unity, an all-embracing love that redeemed us both. In 2021, she left this plane of existence.
One unspectacular December evening in 2022, in a single instant, the awareness “I Am” was recognized as a thought and a subtle form of identification. The last sense of being was gone. Sensory impressions were more intimate than a heartbeat. Direct. Immediate. Alive. The intensive adaptation process lasted many months. Meanwhile, the threads were in the process of integrating. What remained was a fundamental “being okay” and a peace which was on one hand unspectacular and natural, on the other hand a fine, warm, sacred flow and glow. Everything was simultaneously empty, love, energy and took place beyond the threshold of consciousness.
Releasing the threads
2024 was the year when the threads, which had now been integrated into one strand, released themselves. What remained was an extraordinary ordinariness, which I like to call the “awakening after awakening”. Now even the most sacred, refined and subtle insights and achievements were released. Awakening is a concept that neither makes sense nor can be found as such.
☼ Unity, emptiness, or energy can no longer be found separately from experience, nor is there an experiencer who can be experienced apart from it. The various dimensions of awakening (threads) are so completely integrated into the system that they can no longer be viewed separately and experienced in isolation as such.☼ A connecting field of consciousness can be found neither in the background nor in the foreground—no ground of being, no continuity, no observer, no center. Consciousness can no longer be found separate from experience either. If something could be experienced as separate, it would be yet another illusory duality.
☼ Conditionings run automatically, as they always have. Now they no longer need an observing instance or conscious welcoming. The question of whether to accept them or not no longer arises. Experience unfolds from moment to moment on its own, without having to be anything special or specific. Life does not need to be controlled or managed internally. This question no longer arises either.
☼ There is no need for a standpoint, orientation, or perspective, even if these can be adopted in everyday life when necessary. Nothing that can be localized, defined, or fixed. The end of description, meaning, and history. Neither being nor non-being, neither both nor neither—or anything else.
And this is neither end nor beginning...
▶️ You can watch this interview in which I talk about my process. *By clicking on the link, you will be redirected to YouTube. You can find more information on data protection at “Youtube” in the Youtube terms of use at https://www.youtube.com
